Faith

I have been struggling lately with parental guilt. I don't know if it is that I feel Lauren and Josh are not getting enough attention, but I know that what they are getting is not my "A" game. Enter guilt. So it has been a roller coaster of the kids misbehaving (mainly Lauren), my getting angry at them much more quickly (exhaustion) and then the guilt. This started before Logan was born and had continued almost the entire first month of his life. Guilt. Yuck. Then I happened to click on my neighbor Brenton's blog to see what he had to say. This was kind of crazy because I didn't really ever go on Brenton's blog (no offense Brenton!!), just mostly checked in on his wife Stephanie's blog. But I was drawn (or led) to his blog and what an amazing post I found!! Here it is....

There Is Only One Perfect Parent and You are Not Him

Tonight I heard some discussion on the radio about parental guilt. It was centered on the guilt that a parent can feel if their child detours from Christian faith. Now, my kids aren't at a point were I am concerned about them wandering away into Wicca or something else, but I do know about parental guilt. Everyone who has a child does.

The guilt we feel as parents when we get angry too quickly or some other thing comes from a heart of love and concern for our kids. If we didn't feel some level of remorse of guilt at our errors as parents, we wouldn't be good parents. We would be evil parents with no compassion or desire to see our children thrive.

But we must remember, no matter how hard we try we will never be perfect parents. We are human beings, living on this side of heaven in a continual state of depravity. Most succinctly said, we are sinners, as people and as parents. There is only one perfect parent; He is the Father in heaven to all those who are adopted into his family by the blood of his son. And we must remember, that even the children of a perfect parent (us/God), fail from time to time. In fact, we fail often, and God does not feel guilty he feels gracious.

So that is the posture we must take with our own sinning children. Grace - not guilt. Set the guilt aside. The burden to raise children in righteousness is not your own to bear. Do your best, pray a lot, and model yourself after the only perfect parent there is.

I hope he doesn't mind me quoting him, but it was so profound and hit right at the core of my insecurity as a parent (at the moment!) and I really wanted to share it. I have always had faith in God but never really relied on that faith until I got pregnant with Lauren. I remember right when I found out I was pregnant and having a very clear vision of a snowball rolling down a mountain that I couldn't stop. I was so very happy but I also remember feeling a sense of panic. I knew that I couldn't control what would be with this child. Yes, I can control some things, but I couldn't control if the baby would be okay in my womb and that freaked me out. It scared me to love this baby, even as a tiny embryo, and not be able to be the one to make him or her safe and healthy. It was in God's hands and I found myself grasping for some sort of stability to hold onto........my faith. I had to have faith in God that He would take care of everything. I also found comfort in other's faith. When we told Brian's parents that we were expecting the first time, Brian's dad put his hand on Brian's shoulder and said, "Everything is going to be okay." It still brings tears to my eyes thinking about that because when I would get extra scared about the baby's health or well-being inside of me, I would ask Brian to repeat what Larry had said and that, those six words, brought and unbelievable level of peace to me.

And then Lauren was born beautiful and healthy!! And a whole new level of fear overwhelmed me. I knew I could not protect her from all in this world and as her parent, her mother, I felt an overwhelming need to protect and shield her from all that could potentially harm her. But that is an impossible task, so once again I had to rely on God to protect her and to give me strength to trust that He would take care of everything. The same thing happened with both Joshua and Logan.

This journey of faith still continues today. Everytime I let Lauren out of my sight, on her first fieldtrip, everytime I take Lauren and Josh to school, letting them play outside or anytime they are away from me, I start to panic just a little and then ask God to protect them and give me strength to trust all will be okay.

However, lately it has been that the problem has been me! My exhaustion, my inability to have any patience with Lauren's sassy attitude, my irritation with Josh's LOUD voice. Enter guilt. So, this post by Brenton gave me direction on where to go with my guilt and permission to forgive myself for not being a perfect parent, just keep trying. I have his post hanging on my refrigerator and read it daily. It's in a perfect spot because mealtimes are the craziest and as I'm going into the fridge, I glance at it, remember to take a deep breath and pray for patience. It has really helped me get through the last couple of weeks. I'm sure that when he wrote it he didn't bank on it being this profound in his neighbor's life, but yet here we are!

Those who know me well know that I do not talk openly about my faith or beliefs. Just never have, not because I don't feel strongly about it or because I am ashamed or anything like that. I think it's mostly because I don't want to be judged by anyone here on earth regarding something so personal. So I keep it close to my heart. But I felt that Brenton's post could potentially have the same positive effect on other parents as it did on me.

I also am not a believer in luck or that things happen by accident. I feel that things happen for a reason and that we are compelled to do things, say things, be who we are based not upon some sort of freak happenstance, but because that is where we are meant to be. Brenton blogged about this particular subject and I was led to read it by no mere act of fate. I know it was God's hand and I am thankful that I can let go (a little!!) and have faith that all will be okay, that I will
make it through and that my children will not have to spend the rest of their lives in therapy! Hopefully!!!

First Snow

We live in such a great neighborhood : )

Halloween

Okay, I know I'm a little late on the costume post. What can I say other than NEWBORN! Anyways, we had a great Halloween. We carved pumpkins that afternoon which was fun for everyone. Lauren decided that she did not want to trick or treat but wanted to hand candy out instead and believe it or not, we were okay with that! The first people at our door were St. Olaf college students collecting food shelf donations. However, Lauren opened the door, took a handful of candy and totally threw it at them and tried to shut the door!! So we had to talk about what it meant to "hand" out candy! Thankfully it was college students and not some poor kid on his first trick or treating excursion. She could have scarred him for life!

I a mom...

This has been the argument in our house for quite a while between Joshua and Lauren. When they play "kitchen" Lauren always starts out by saying "I a mom." She repeats it with such tenacity that Josh automatically becomes her challenger saying, "I mom." This infuriates Lauren as she believes she IS the mom (literally) and causes her to argue with him and this is how the conversation goes:

L: I a mom

J: I mom (in his deep voice)

L: NOOOOO, I a mom. You not a mom.

J: I mom (repeat deep voice)

L: NOOOOOOOOOO. I a mom and you not a mom. You a sister.
J: I mom (see previous)

L: Mama, Joshy said he a mom, but he not a mom. You a mom and I a mom.

And so on.....I hope to be able to repeat this to both of them when they are in high school, especially to Josh : )

We managed to make it to the pumpkin patch a couple of weeks ago. We picked out our pumpkins and then we went to the apple orchard and got some apples. We're going to carve our pumpkins tonight - just in time for Halloween!

Here is the family update for week 4 of being a family of 5 :

LOGAN - is doing great. He is sleeping in his own crib, waking about once a night depending on whether he is going through one of his 24-48 hour feeding binges. During these feeding binges this little guy will eat every 2-3 hours and will drink 4-5 ounces at a time. Sometimes he can only make it an hour. We try to hold him off, but he gets, as Brian says 'mad as a hornet.' But then he will sleep for 5-6 hours at a time for the next couple of days. He is growing and changing. He is fascinated with the ceiling fan in our family room. He could stare at it for hours, I think, as long as someone is holding him! He is still a cuddle-bug : )

JOSH - is good. It was my birthday on Tuesday and as a present, Josh went potty in the potty at school that day!! YAY!!! Big step forward for him. Still holding back on starting the potty-training at home, though, as mommy just doesn't have the energy for that battle at the moment! Josh is going to be a bumblebee for Halloween, so that should be fun!

LAUREN - is good, too. She continues to challenge me in every way and the whole "I a mom" concept has leaked over into how she interacts with me. She thinks she's the boss.....we had to have a little chat about that earlier this week. Did anyone take my 3-year-old manual?! I cannot find it anywhere and I need to look up how do handle a back-talking, little smarty-pants. No manual? Then could SOMEONE, ANYONE please just tell me that it's going to get better? Because right now, boarding schools are looking like a genius idea : ) Okay, it's not that bad, but she sure knows which buttons to push. And I have a feeling that I was just like her when I was three. Sorry, mom! I guess what they say about payback is true. If only I would've known that when I was three, I would've behaved better......... hindsight. Lauren started gymnastics class which she seems to like. And she's going to be a witch for Halloween, although she said she wants to stay and pass out the candy instead of going out to get candy (hence the "I a mom" thing). She is being a good helper with Logan and with Josh and is getting smarter and smarter everyday.

Brian and I are doing good. Brian and Dixie got their first pheasant of the season, which was exciting! I'm trying to get back into working and learning to juggle all of the kids, the house, the businesses and life. Oh, and trying to catch a nap here and there. My earth-shattering question of the day? WHY when there are two Nickelodeon channels do BOTH of them have to show what seems like a marathon of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air in the middle of the night, every night? This makes no sense to me and is just plain wrong. Whatever happened to Mr. Ed and Car 54 Where Are You?? At least throw in some Who's the Boss, Growing Pains or Cosby Show. There's only so much Will Smith pre-Jada, pre-Independence Day silliness one person can take. And although that Carlton can sure dance, that's just not as entertaining as it used to be......

The "cleaning" of the first pheasant with Josh supervising...

Our annual family pumpkin patch picture. Someday I will put all the pictures up on here so you can all see, in pictures, the rapid growth of our family in the last 4 years!!!!

Jesus' Coins

I took Lauren to Sunday school yesterday and before we left we put three quarters in her offering envelope. We talked about how these are Jesus' coins and she has to give them in the offering in her Sunday school class. When I went to pick her up from her class, she had the coins in her hand but no envelope. I asked her why she had the coins and she told me those were HER coins. I told her that they were Jesus' coins and she had other coins at home and that she needed to put the coins in the offering basket. We went back into her Sunday school room and two of her teachers told me how they tried to get her to leave the coins and that she had no problem leaving the envelope in the offering basket! She put the coins in the basket and as we were getting into the car she looked me square in the eye and said, "But Mommy, I love Jesus' coins." : )

One Week Later......

Here is sweet boy Logan! He is such a good baby boy. He sleeps so soundly, wakes to be fed, could usually care less about his diapers and doesn't flinch at all when the screaming/fighting/playing of his sister and brother start or the barking of the dog. He has his awake times when he is busy exploring his world and loves to cuddle (especially with his mommy).

As for the rest of the family, here is the update:

LAUREN is having a little bit of a hard time adjusting. She absolutely adores Logan and wants to feed him, hold him, lay with him, and cuddle him. At the same time she is extra defiant, rude, wild, overly-silly and just plain naughty. I think that she is confused about Logan's arrival and about how her life has and will change. But I also think that she is vying for attention from visitors and the grandparents that we have been so lucky to have help us out. I know she'll be fine once we find our groove, but it will be challenging until then. Our neighbors have been so fantastic about taking Lauren over to play and last week she even got to go to the grocery store and to Wednesday night Sunday School with her favorite friends!

JOSH has really no idea what's going on. He acknowledges baby Logan and gives him attention, but really, he's just in his own toddler world. That's what is so great about having them close together - they really have no idea! Lauren was the same way when we brought Josh home. So, Josh is just Josh. He looks for Logan whenever he has not paid attention to him for a while, but give him some Mickey Mouse and a Matchbox car and he is good to go!

DIXIE SUE is crazy. Seriously. She has an attachment to Logan that we do not understand. She searches for him all over and gets very wild if she cannot find him. I took Logan outside on one of the warmer days this week for some fresh air and Dixie was right on my heels looking at me as if I were stealing from her! Then I came inside while my neighbor was holding Logan and Dixie ran from Logan's changing table to his swing to his car seat frantically looking for him - it was crazy! She's very protective of him. She was not this crazy with either of the other two kids.

As for MOM AND DAD, we are doing good. We feel overwhelmed at times as to what the future may hold, but we are trying to take it one day at a time and enjoy being in the moment with our beautiful children. And now to answer the question that we have been asked several times in the last week - when's the next one coming? The answer is we do not know. We wanted to have four children, but three kids in three year, two months is a lot to handle. We do not know if we will make it to four, but we are keeping our options open. Like I said, we are living in the moment for right now.

We so appreciate all of your congrats and well-wishes! Thank you to all for your kind thoughts. I will keep you updated as our sweet new boy grows along with our other two "babies" who look like giants now!

IT'S A BOY!!!!!!

On Saturday October 4th, 2008 at 12:24 p.m. we welcomed Logan Nicholas Kraby into the world! He is a beautiful baby boy and we are so proud! He is doing very well, eating and sleeping like a champ - just not when we want him to.

He surprised us in many ways, but mainly because we had been thinking he was a she for quite a while. We chose not to find out the gender of any of our babies because we think it is really fun to guess and we really thought I was acting more like I did when I was pregnant with Lauren, so were assuming that the baby would probably be a girl. WRONG!!

The second way he surprised us was with his quick arrival. I was scheduled to be induced on Saturday and went in on Friday night for some preliminary preparations. This would up throwing me into early labor with contractions every 2-4 minutes apart consistently. I was up all night with contractions, got back to the hospital around 8am, and BEGGED for an epidural around 10am. My nurse checked me at 11:55 am and I was dialated to 4 cm, so my nurse and Brian both went to grab some lunch. At 12:10 pm, I asked for a nurse to come to my room because I was feeling SO uncomfortable. That nurse checked me and I was completely dialated and ready to deliver. My husband, bless his heart, was at Subway across the street and hurried back, making a scene dropping all his stuff at the counter! One push and Logan Nicholas was born!

We are all recovering nicely and glad to be home. Lauren, otherwise known as "little mother," is in LOVE with her new brother. Josh has started this stomping thing where he stomps around the room and points at Logan saying "baby Logan." It's cute - we're just not sure what it means! All in all it is going to take some time to adjust to this new family of ours, being outnumbered and all. Thankfully, my mom is here this week and Brian's mom will be here next week to give us some help!

On a very different and sad note, I would like to ask for some prayers for the loved ones of a great man who passed away yesterday morning. My godfather, John Krull, has been fighting leukemia for quite a number of years and was recently diagnosed with lung cancer and unfortunately lost his battle with both. He will be greatly missed by his family and friends. It is very hard for my parents, especially my dad, to experience the ultimate high of the birth of their grandson, and the death of a truly great friend all within 24 hours....... please keep them and John's family in your thoughts.