Love and Loss

Brian's family suffered a huge loss in September 2011 with the death of our sweet nephew Nicholas.  He was a son, a brother, a grandson, a nephew, a cousin,  a best friend, a confidante, an advisor, and simply a gentle soul.  It was and is devastating.  All of us have changed and are grieving in our own ways.  As many of you know, Brian comes from a rather large family - he has five sisters and two brothers.  Nick had a special relationship with each one of his aunts, uncles and cousins and was extremely close to his parents, sisters and grandparents.  His death has left a hole in our family and things will never be the same.

Many have asked how Nick died.  This is something that I think all of us have struggled to explain.  Nick was in jail when he passed away.  He was serving a probation violation in a Huber facility in Wisconsin.  With those not familiar with this, it means that he had release privileges - he had a job and was allowed to leave the jail to go to work and other authorized releases.  Nick was also a heroin addict. 

I'm sure that many of you are wondering why I am spilling all of this private information out here on a public blog for you all to know.  The reason is because he is not the only one.  He's not the only loving, smart kid with a heroin addiction.  He's not the only kid who made some stupid choices that ended up costing him his life.  We are not the only family that is grieving the loss of a loved one as the result of an overdose.  And just because people don't talk about it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.  Addiction is one of those diseases that isn't viewed as a disease - it's viewed as a weakness.  The family of an addict is not viewed as suffering but as enabling and not being tough enough.  So when the news comes out that a young person dies of an overdose, there's this awkward silence around the family - people don't know what to say.  Death in and of itself is hard to respond to let alone such circumstances that lead people to judge and assume things they don't know.  It's like Mad Libs - whatever is a blank gets filled in with whatever fits, which usually isn't the truth.

Here is what I know: 

I met Nick when he was nine years old.  He was a SUPER smart, kind-hearted kid who loved his family dearly.  He was a normal kid who did really great stuff and really not-so-great stuff.  He was impulsive, as boys generally are, but also empathetic.  He was extremely close to his mom and his dad was his hero.  He was protector over his little sisters.  He hated it if anyone called his aunties "hot" and was very protective of anyone in his family.  He would say "What the crap" to keep things PG around his Grandpa.  Nick would come and stay with Brian and I and we would stay up until the wee hours of the morning talking about life.  He was also my process server, which I think he kinda liked!  He played with his cousins and Lauren and Josh loved him.  Logan was just a baby the last time Nick came to stay with us.  As an adult he made some really crappy choices and also had some really crappy stuff that happened that was out of his control.  He also worked very hard and felt an obligation to protect those he loved.  After some time in rehab he found himself in jail to serve out a probation violation and while in jail he overdosed. 

His heart belonged to the Lord while his body was a prisoner of heroin. 

The investigation is out there as are the press releases.  You can read them or not.  But here's what you need to know about Nick's death:  there's no more pain. 

Here's what you need to know about Nick:  he was so very loved. 

Nick's life was not defined by heroin in the same way his death is.  He will be remembered by those who knew him as a funny, kind-hearted, beautiful soul who touched the hearts of those who loved him. 

The judgers will judge and if you think something like "this can't happen in my family" or start using words like "they" and "them" in referring to my family, you need to take a look in the mirror and then look at your own kids.  It can happen.  It is a scary time for kids and parents alike and the more informed you are, the better. 

So, if you see my family and you want to address Nick's death, just offer your condolences.  Your thoughts are appreciated.  Don't try to pretend you understand if you've never been through it and don't say things like "he's better off" or something like that.  That's not for you to decide.  Although people mean well, words that are used to sympathize are often more cutting. 

I have learned so much from Nick's life and from his death.  And I've learned about the strength of family and forgiveness. 

Mostly, I've learned about the true meaning of hope. 

God's plans are often not our plans.  "For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11. 

Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. - 2 Corinthians 4:16-18. 

Nicholas, you are loved and missed everyday.