Love and Loss

Brian's family suffered a huge loss in September 2011 with the death of our sweet nephew Nicholas.  He was a son, a brother, a grandson, a nephew, a cousin,  a best friend, a confidante, an advisor, and simply a gentle soul.  It was and is devastating.  All of us have changed and are grieving in our own ways.  As many of you know, Brian comes from a rather large family - he has five sisters and two brothers.  Nick had a special relationship with each one of his aunts, uncles and cousins and was extremely close to his parents, sisters and grandparents.  His death has left a hole in our family and things will never be the same.

Many have asked how Nick died.  This is something that I think all of us have struggled to explain.  Nick was in jail when he passed away.  He was serving a probation violation in a Huber facility in Wisconsin.  With those not familiar with this, it means that he had release privileges - he had a job and was allowed to leave the jail to go to work and other authorized releases.  Nick was also a heroin addict. 

I'm sure that many of you are wondering why I am spilling all of this private information out here on a public blog for you all to know.  The reason is because he is not the only one.  He's not the only loving, smart kid with a heroin addiction.  He's not the only kid who made some stupid choices that ended up costing him his life.  We are not the only family that is grieving the loss of a loved one as the result of an overdose.  And just because people don't talk about it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.  Addiction is one of those diseases that isn't viewed as a disease - it's viewed as a weakness.  The family of an addict is not viewed as suffering but as enabling and not being tough enough.  So when the news comes out that a young person dies of an overdose, there's this awkward silence around the family - people don't know what to say.  Death in and of itself is hard to respond to let alone such circumstances that lead people to judge and assume things they don't know.  It's like Mad Libs - whatever is a blank gets filled in with whatever fits, which usually isn't the truth.

Here is what I know: 

I met Nick when he was nine years old.  He was a SUPER smart, kind-hearted kid who loved his family dearly.  He was a normal kid who did really great stuff and really not-so-great stuff.  He was impulsive, as boys generally are, but also empathetic.  He was extremely close to his mom and his dad was his hero.  He was protector over his little sisters.  He hated it if anyone called his aunties "hot" and was very protective of anyone in his family.  He would say "What the crap" to keep things PG around his Grandpa.  Nick would come and stay with Brian and I and we would stay up until the wee hours of the morning talking about life.  He was also my process server, which I think he kinda liked!  He played with his cousins and Lauren and Josh loved him.  Logan was just a baby the last time Nick came to stay with us.  As an adult he made some really crappy choices and also had some really crappy stuff that happened that was out of his control.  He also worked very hard and felt an obligation to protect those he loved.  After some time in rehab he found himself in jail to serve out a probation violation and while in jail he overdosed. 

His heart belonged to the Lord while his body was a prisoner of heroin. 

The investigation is out there as are the press releases.  You can read them or not.  But here's what you need to know about Nick's death:  there's no more pain. 

Here's what you need to know about Nick:  he was so very loved. 

Nick's life was not defined by heroin in the same way his death is.  He will be remembered by those who knew him as a funny, kind-hearted, beautiful soul who touched the hearts of those who loved him. 

The judgers will judge and if you think something like "this can't happen in my family" or start using words like "they" and "them" in referring to my family, you need to take a look in the mirror and then look at your own kids.  It can happen.  It is a scary time for kids and parents alike and the more informed you are, the better. 

So, if you see my family and you want to address Nick's death, just offer your condolences.  Your thoughts are appreciated.  Don't try to pretend you understand if you've never been through it and don't say things like "he's better off" or something like that.  That's not for you to decide.  Although people mean well, words that are used to sympathize are often more cutting. 

I have learned so much from Nick's life and from his death.  And I've learned about the strength of family and forgiveness. 

Mostly, I've learned about the true meaning of hope. 

God's plans are often not our plans.  "For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11. 

Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. - 2 Corinthians 4:16-18. 

Nicholas, you are loved and missed everyday. 

butterfly, go ahead fly

"You are like a butterfly. 

A catapillar's dream to fly. 

So,bust out of this old own cocoon. 

 And dry your wings off. 

Butterfly. 

Go ahead, and fly"   

-Dave Matthews

Lauren is a butterfly mama!  She saw this commercial for a Butterfly Garden while watching cartoons and decided she wanted it.  She marched up to her room, took $19.99 out of her piggy bank and gave it to me and asked me to get the Butterfly Garden for her.  I did and in a few days, a package arrived that contained live catapillars!  We read the instructions and within a few days of watching the catapillars, they had made their way up to the top of the jar and formed a "J".  There was one that fell onto the bottom of the jar and we thought that one might not make it.  After all the catapillars made their chrysallis', we transferred them over to the butterfly garden net.  We watched them as one by one, they turned into butterflies - even the one that fell turned into a butterfly!  There was one that did not hatch.  It had a hole in its chrysallis.  It was a ton of fun!  Lauren fed them sugar water and picked flower petals for them.  We kept the butterflies for about a week before releasing them.  As Lauren said, "You watch them grow, then let them go."  Gotta love catchy advertising!!   

Josh's Preschool Graduation

I'm definately playing catch-up here on posts!  Josh graduated from preschool from Northfield Montessori in May!!  I can't believe he is starting kindergarten in the fall!!  Lauren is so excited that he will be going to school with her and he's so very ready for kindergarten : ) 

So proud!!

Josh's teachers Ms. Jill and Ms. Nikki

Logan clearly having a "moment"

He'll always be my baby boy : )

Josh and his buddy Hayden

Looks like triple trouble!!  - Josh, Carter and Garrett

Preston Trout Days

Back in May we travelled down to Preston, Minnesota to visit my grandma, aunt, uncle, and cousins to enjoy Trout Days.  For those of you unfamiliar with the Preston area it is a beautiful place filled with tons of fun family activities like bike trails, parks, swimming, and you guessed it - trout fishing!! 

We didn't make it down in time for the kids trout fishing event, but we did make it to the kiddie carnival with a LOT of bouncy castles, games and kiddie tractor pull.  Then we watched the parade which sent us along with a ton of candy!  We stayed for dinner with my grandma and my kids had fun at her house exploring all the nooks and crannys and making my grandma smile : ) 

Aunt Sandy and Emma

Logan supervised the candy collection efforts

He had his ears covered pretty much the whole time!

Candy buddies!

The Kraby 6

Grandma Greggie and her great-grandchildren : )

Book Club!

A few months ago I picked up an Easy Bake kit from a garage sale.  This prompted the beginning of "Baking Club" with Lauren and her friend Izzy.  From there, ideas for gardening club, running club, art club, swimming club, movie club and book club came about.  The ideas for laundry club, cleaning club, and dishes club were, of course, met with eye rolls!  Book club sounded like a good way to keep the girls interested in reading in a social way to make reading fun since sometimes it can feel like work (especially during the school year).  Then the busyness of life kept getting in the way, so the idea was put on the back-burner.  The girls, however, refused to let it go.  They kept reminding me, "What about book club?" and "When are we starting book club?" 

I decided that I was going to host book club for them.  I did some Google research on good books for second grade girls and decided on three of them:  Three Stories You Can Read To Your Dog, The Hundred Dresses, and The Seven Treasure Hunts. 

We had the first book club last week and it was so much fun!!  The book Three Stories You Can Read To Your Dog was really below their level of reading, but the girls only had a short amount of time to read it in.  Plus, it was a cute book!  The girls arrived in their pajamas with their favorite stuffed dogs and started playing Scooby Doo Bingo (their idea!).  My wonderful neighbor, Stephanie, did an art project with the girls, which was a self-portrait of them with their dogs glued on cardboard surrounded by a Milk-Bone frame.  It was so adorable and super fun for the girls!  Then we ate lunch:  hot dogs, kibbles and bits (macaroni & cheese), dog bone shaped watermelon and puppy chow.  After lunch we gathered to talk about the book - our favorite story out of the book, the silly things our dogs do, whose voice the book was from, and if we actually read it to our dogs.  The girls were very talkative and responsive and it was clear all of them read the book, which was a relief!  After the book talk, the make-up came out and the girls spent the rest of the time painting nails and so on.

I'd say it was a success! 

I'm excited for the next book club for The Hundred Dresses. : )

You Win Some, You Lose Some....

Lauren and Josh are playing their first season of in-house league soccer this summer.  For those of you well out of the children's sports world, this means they don't travel to other towns, they play other teams from Northfield.  I received an email from the head of the Northfield Soccer Association which addressed sportsmanship and having fun in the league.  The email also included what to do if your team is winning by a lot during any given game and included this message, verbatim: 

So, here are a few tips for slowing down your team if they're bowling the other team over.

1. Make them come all the way back and touch their own goal until the ball is released onto the field.

2. Release the ball so the other team has the advantage.

3. Re strict who can score on your team (only Jamie can score).

4. Everyone on your team must touch the ball before you can score.

5. Can only pass and/or shoot with the non-dominant foot.

6. Parents - stop telling your kids (if they're on the dominant team) to "go get the ball". Let the other team get a feel for the game. Clap when they score, but don't egg them on.

I'm not saying "throw the game" .....just slow your kids down

As a parent, I am extremely unhappy with the message this is sending to my kids.  Aren't kids supposed to try and be the best?  Aren't they supposed to strive to win?  Isn't the point of youth sports to teach competition along with good sportsmanship - winning and losing?  Aren't these items good for practices?  Why should they be implemented in games? 

One of the reasons I choose to enroll my kids in sports because I know they need exercise, but they don't need organized sports to do this.  They spend plenty of time playing tag (everywhere we go!), running to get whatever, and kickball is the staple game in our cul-de-sac.  I'm not really worried that my kids aren't getting enough exercise. 

However, teaching kids about comptetition is an important part of life that gets circumvented because people in general want to make sure everyone feels included and no one feels bad.  I disagree with this.  Competition is important.  When these kids grow up and compete for jobs, the employer is not going to give the job to all the applicants because that way no one feels bad.  What is also important for kids to learn is how to win and how to lose.  Kids need to actually learn this - it doesn't come naturally.  It's important for kids to understand that not everything is fair, not everything makes you feel good, and if you want something, you need to work hard to get it. 

We set this "everyone is a winner" standard and wonder why kids aren't ambitious and have no drive.  When the label of "winner" is automatically handed over without any effort, when would kids ever learn that this is not the case in adulthood?  As teenagers and adults, these kids are emotionally paralyzed because they fear failure.  And why wouldn't they, they've never experienced it and learned to deal with the emotions to go along with it.  Or they just simply expect everything to be handed to them. 

There is something to be said for learning to win and lose graciously.  Again, this does not come naturally.  A kid's first reaction when they win is to point out that the other person lost.  Kids must learn to celebrate their accomplishments without belittling the other person/team.  Kids must learn to learn from their shortcomings when they lose.  It's a part of life that cannot be sugar-coated or skipped over because it's everywhere.  Yes, it hurts us as parents to see our children disappointed or sad because they lost the game.  Acknowledging their feelings and helping them work through these emotions is much more helpful longterm to children than brushing them under a rug or blaming the other team because we don't like to see our kids hurting.
I sincerely hope that my kids always play their best, no matter what and that they learn how to win just as graciously as they lose.  But mostly, I hope they learn that the majority of situations there are winners and losers.  Sometimes they'll be on the winning side and sometimes the losing side.  But what's important is that when they win, they learn what they did to get there and when they lose, they learn what they did to get there.  Life is all about learning.....about themselves and about others.

pool day!

What a great day at the pool!!!  I was so very nervous about taking all four kids to the pool.  The last time I took them to a pool by myself I was fortunate that it was at a friend's house because Joshua had an accident (and not the pleasant kind) and Logan has some sort of allergic reaction to something and was all boogery.  And honestly, I didn't know what I would do with Emma while I was dealing with those two and their out of control bodily functions. 

I really wanted to go to the pool and asked my wonderful neighbor, Stephanie, if she would want to go.  She did (lucky me!) and off we went.  She and her three kids and me and my four - what a crew! 

It went really good!

Three things work in my favor this summer: 

1.  Lauren and Josh know how to swim.  They aren't strong swimmers, but they know how to get to the edge of the pool. 

2.  Logan won't go in the big pool.  Yay for the baby pool!!!

3.  Emma's an awesome baby. 

I felt empowered.  This is a big deal.  Many times I feel stuck because of Emma's feeding/nap schedule and Logan's three year old fireyness.  So this was amazing!!  I know every time won't be this good, but for planning on going for and hour and a half and staying for four hours, I'd say it's a win!!!