Faith

I have been struggling lately with parental guilt. I don't know if it is that I feel Lauren and Josh are not getting enough attention, but I know that what they are getting is not my "A" game. Enter guilt. So it has been a roller coaster of the kids misbehaving (mainly Lauren), my getting angry at them much more quickly (exhaustion) and then the guilt. This started before Logan was born and had continued almost the entire first month of his life. Guilt. Yuck. Then I happened to click on my neighbor Brenton's blog to see what he had to say. This was kind of crazy because I didn't really ever go on Brenton's blog (no offense Brenton!!), just mostly checked in on his wife Stephanie's blog. But I was drawn (or led) to his blog and what an amazing post I found!! Here it is....

There Is Only One Perfect Parent and You are Not Him

Tonight I heard some discussion on the radio about parental guilt. It was centered on the guilt that a parent can feel if their child detours from Christian faith. Now, my kids aren't at a point were I am concerned about them wandering away into Wicca or something else, but I do know about parental guilt. Everyone who has a child does.

The guilt we feel as parents when we get angry too quickly or some other thing comes from a heart of love and concern for our kids. If we didn't feel some level of remorse of guilt at our errors as parents, we wouldn't be good parents. We would be evil parents with no compassion or desire to see our children thrive.

But we must remember, no matter how hard we try we will never be perfect parents. We are human beings, living on this side of heaven in a continual state of depravity. Most succinctly said, we are sinners, as people and as parents. There is only one perfect parent; He is the Father in heaven to all those who are adopted into his family by the blood of his son. And we must remember, that even the children of a perfect parent (us/God), fail from time to time. In fact, we fail often, and God does not feel guilty he feels gracious.

So that is the posture we must take with our own sinning children. Grace - not guilt. Set the guilt aside. The burden to raise children in righteousness is not your own to bear. Do your best, pray a lot, and model yourself after the only perfect parent there is.

I hope he doesn't mind me quoting him, but it was so profound and hit right at the core of my insecurity as a parent (at the moment!) and I really wanted to share it. I have always had faith in God but never really relied on that faith until I got pregnant with Lauren. I remember right when I found out I was pregnant and having a very clear vision of a snowball rolling down a mountain that I couldn't stop. I was so very happy but I also remember feeling a sense of panic. I knew that I couldn't control what would be with this child. Yes, I can control some things, but I couldn't control if the baby would be okay in my womb and that freaked me out. It scared me to love this baby, even as a tiny embryo, and not be able to be the one to make him or her safe and healthy. It was in God's hands and I found myself grasping for some sort of stability to hold onto........my faith. I had to have faith in God that He would take care of everything. I also found comfort in other's faith. When we told Brian's parents that we were expecting the first time, Brian's dad put his hand on Brian's shoulder and said, "Everything is going to be okay." It still brings tears to my eyes thinking about that because when I would get extra scared about the baby's health or well-being inside of me, I would ask Brian to repeat what Larry had said and that, those six words, brought and unbelievable level of peace to me.

And then Lauren was born beautiful and healthy!! And a whole new level of fear overwhelmed me. I knew I could not protect her from all in this world and as her parent, her mother, I felt an overwhelming need to protect and shield her from all that could potentially harm her. But that is an impossible task, so once again I had to rely on God to protect her and to give me strength to trust that He would take care of everything. The same thing happened with both Joshua and Logan.

This journey of faith still continues today. Everytime I let Lauren out of my sight, on her first fieldtrip, everytime I take Lauren and Josh to school, letting them play outside or anytime they are away from me, I start to panic just a little and then ask God to protect them and give me strength to trust all will be okay.

However, lately it has been that the problem has been me! My exhaustion, my inability to have any patience with Lauren's sassy attitude, my irritation with Josh's LOUD voice. Enter guilt. So, this post by Brenton gave me direction on where to go with my guilt and permission to forgive myself for not being a perfect parent, just keep trying. I have his post hanging on my refrigerator and read it daily. It's in a perfect spot because mealtimes are the craziest and as I'm going into the fridge, I glance at it, remember to take a deep breath and pray for patience. It has really helped me get through the last couple of weeks. I'm sure that when he wrote it he didn't bank on it being this profound in his neighbor's life, but yet here we are!

Those who know me well know that I do not talk openly about my faith or beliefs. Just never have, not because I don't feel strongly about it or because I am ashamed or anything like that. I think it's mostly because I don't want to be judged by anyone here on earth regarding something so personal. So I keep it close to my heart. But I felt that Brenton's post could potentially have the same positive effect on other parents as it did on me.

I also am not a believer in luck or that things happen by accident. I feel that things happen for a reason and that we are compelled to do things, say things, be who we are based not upon some sort of freak happenstance, but because that is where we are meant to be. Brenton blogged about this particular subject and I was led to read it by no mere act of fate. I know it was God's hand and I am thankful that I can let go (a little!!) and have faith that all will be okay, that I will
make it through and that my children will not have to spend the rest of their lives in therapy! Hopefully!!!