Before I became a mother those words had little meaning other than telling people to be quiet in a rude way. I would say them frequently, usually in a joking manner. Now I am a mom and those words feel like swords flying through the air. Last night as I was preparing dinner, Logan was screaming in his crib because he was overtired and would not sleep, Brian was getting frustrated, Lauren was chattering away asking me a million questions insistent on getting an immediate answer and Joshua was loudly wailing because his chair was not pushed in to the precise spot he wanted it. With all of this going on at once I was overwhelmed, frustrated and plain old pissed off. I answered Lauren's questions, probably very shortly. And as Logan had just stopped crying, Brian was coming downstairs and just at that moment I told Joshua to "shut up." I am very embarrassed by this. What kind of a mother tells her own child to shut up? Brian then informed me that he had reprimanded Lauren earlier for saying these exact words (probably to Josh) and then my heart was broken. What have I done? I'll tell you what I have done. I have taught my daughter that saying this is okay. What child wouldn't think it was okay if mommy does it? I have also disrespected my son. Joshua is SO LOUD. He is loud and it is impossible to reason with him, mostly because he is two years old, but I think some of his unreasonableness is just imbedded in his personality. I have taught two year olds - they are fun most of the time! Once Josh gets an idea in his head there is no distraction, no redirection, nothing. He just wails....in the loudest possible voice imaginable. There is a note on the piano and I think it is high C that I cannot stand. It twangs in my ear and literally hurts when it is played. It's my nails on a chalkboard. Joshua's wail is in continuous high C. So I snapped at him with words wielded as swords. Shame on me.
Luckily there is time to undo the damage that was done. I can talk to Lauren about words and how they can hurt or heal. I can apologize to Josh and tell him mommy was wrong. I know that I have not said those awful words to him a lot, but this is not the first time. It doesn't matter, once is too much. Unfortunately my heart won't heal that fast. I worry everyday that the choices I am making as a mother are the right ones. I pray all the time for guidance in raising these children.
So, I guess I will just keep praying and keep doing the best that I can. I am not a perfect parent nor do I need to be. I just need to love my children, forgive myself and move on. Thank you once again, Brenton, for the words that I keep posted on my fridge!
2 comments:
Friend, I love the honesty of this post! And I too closely can relate. Grace to you- for you recognized your mistake, ask forgivness, and made it right, that, in my mind is a more powerful lesson than just telling them not to do it. It's so important for kids to see us admit our mistakes too.
I know you feel badly about it, but you are not alone.
I completely agree with Stephanie. You care deeply about your children and their well being. This is not only obvious to those who know you, but to your children as well. The fact that you acknowledged your words were harsh and that you feel awful how it affected your family helps your kids learn that all of us trip sometimes. The important part is owning it and trying to do different next time. You are an amazing parent Megan. Not because you are perfect--because you are constantly trying to do better.
Melissa
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